Bob and Doug McKenzie Cosplay 1981: Don’t Bring A Case Of Beer To School In The 7th Grade.

That winter was both cold and snowy so there seemed to be a perpetual layer of snow and ice on the ground around the school and surrounding park. This made us all feel that we were part of that Great White North to be sure – winters back then seemed colder. It wasn’t at all unusual to see kids in toques and flannels – this was pre grunge – flannels and macs were just part of our heritage. It’s what we wore.

Like all things young people are into, we had some amongst us that really – and I mean really – got into Bob & Doug. They were practically living within the personae of the McKenzie brothers. It was hoser overload to the annoyance of teachers and staff – even us kids. They were “real hosers”; funny as hell but super annoying. But there was one kid – one absolute legend – that took the hoser lifestyle into mythic hero status that is still whispered about in recollection whenever we gather and tell stories about growing up …. His name was Alex P.

One day, my friend Kevin & I were hanging around in the front teacher’s parking lot (as we did back then) and we spied Alex walking along the perimeter of the park towards the school. His red macinau jacket was unmistakable from over a 100 yards, but there was something else that caught our eye. He had had the full uniform on… the toque, the boots, the mac…. but it was the 12 pack of Molson Canadian stubbies slung over his shoulder like a ghetto-blaster that had our jaws on the floor.

As he got closer, there was a bit of a scrum. My other friends Rob & Vartan were there too. We enclosed him in a small circle. Not only was he dressed in full hoser regalia, he also had a pound of bacon purloined from his mother’s refrigerator tucked under his arm. But the beer — it was the beer we wanted to know about.

Open carrying a case of beer was unheard of back in the day – even for adults. You could get in trouble walking back to your car from the liquor store if your liquor purchase was not properly bagged and the receipt not carried tucked in with your items. To see a case of beer being carried in the open was one thing – to see a 4 & 1/2 foot child carrying it around an elementary schoolyard was mind blowing. We were all over him with questions displaying our excited disbelief…. It was a true wtf moment.

Alex proudly showed off his outfit… he showed us the bacon – it had already frozen in the cold – but again – the beer – we wanted to know about the beer. “Holy cow (only we didn’t say cow) Alex – you’re gonna get in trouble”…. “Ahhh!” was his response – grinning from ear to ear. “Apple juice!” Apparently he’d refilled all the bottles with apple juice at home and recapped them. To prove his point he grabbed a bottle and popped the cap off with his thumb, then tossed it back.

So there we were, standing in the parking lot of the elementary school in full view of the administration office with a kid decked out in the full hoser uniform- with his bacon and a case of beer – watching him tip his head back and start drinking…. We recoiled out of instinct and the perimeter of our circle expanded. We were busy doing the math. Alex was both genius – but most likely insane too. This was not going to end well. We told him to cover-up but he reveled in the moment. He wanted to do a few more laps around the school and park – and of course the Jr. High (West Whalley)^[2]West Whalley Jr. Seconday grades 8-10. West Whalley was famously set on fire in an arson attack in 2001 by a teacher suffering from a mental health issues, and was later demolished in 2002 and … Continue reading which was right next door. With the hoser call “ka coo coo coo coo ka coo coo coo”, Alex was off.

We watched as his red mac jacket disappeared over the hill and he cut across the park towards the Jr. High. Our minds were spinning. What he was doing was genius right? Technically he wasn’t doing anything wrong – It wasn’t real beer – they couldn’t get him in trouble right? Even we weren’t that naive. Alex was about to find out that in our world – in the early 80’s – adults always won.

He wasn’t gone 5 minutes when 3 teachers came running out of the front office and into the parking lot. “Where’s Alex” they asked? (How did they know it was him?) We played dumb and beat a hasty retreat. No way were we getting caught up in this.

Alex was soon “caught” and hauled into the office. I don’t remember if he got suspended (those details are lost to time) – but parents were called and detentions were meted out. It seems that several neighbours who lived close to the school and park had made panicked phone calls to the school and police about a child walking around with a case of beer. Alex was like Icarus – he’d flown too close to the sun and it could only go one way. But it was still glorious both in its audacity but also it’s execution…. Alex was legend!

Of course life went on – we’d soon leave elementary school for West Whalley, then later on to Queen Elizabeth Senior Secondary^[3]Q.E was just grade 11 & 12 in the 1980’s for our grade 11 & 12 years – and then off on our various life paths after that. The last time I saw or heard of Alex, he was spinning Cherry Pie and Kickstart My Heart as the DJ of a strip bar in New Westminister in the very early 90’s before going on to do something in music production and sound…. But I’ll never forget that day back in grade 7 that Alex invented the cosplay and caused one of the biggest teacher and administrator freak-outs in K.B. Woodward’s history.